Can't Sleep

After being in bed for over an hour now, my brain has not ceased thinking about everything I need to do, should do, wish I could do - none of which I can do right now or should think about doing because what I really need to do is SLEEP! I almost decided to blog around 10:30 but decided against it since nearly every single time I blog late at night I fight fatigue the following day. Tomorrow is Saturday and I don't go into work, but since my family are going shopping tomorrow morning I want to ensure that I get my full eight hours. I am one of those unfortunate souls who must have eight to nine hours of sleep for full brain capacity. Yet even then my brain fails me.

A Few Nights Before Christmas

First off, if you are my mom, stop reading right NOW and revisit on December 25th!

Doubting My Doubts

It is my final week of a three-week-long class on how to share my vision for ministry and tell stories better. Tonight my instructor asked me what I have learned, and I immediately answered, "I didn't know that I can tell stories, and do it well!"

If I don't feel absolutely prepared and confident at something I tend to withdraw. The same happens when I get carried away by the notion that everyone is better than me. Even at the beginning of the class two weeks ago I complained to my mom that taking a class over Skype is awkward and not ideal because of the disconnect I felt from talking to a computer screen. (So what should I do if I am in a situation that isn't ideal? Make the best of it... that just isn't my reaction the majority of the time.) It shows that maybe I need to Skype more.

The Lord's Plan

The LORD frustrates the plans of the nations
     and thwarts all their schemes.
But the LORD'S plans stand firm forever;
     his intentions can never be shaken. (Psalm 33:10-11, NLT)

This scripture came to mind just now after a visit with my former youth pastor. He made a big impact on my spiritual life in high school, particularly when in comes to Jesus's heart for the lost. We had kept in touch throughout my college years, but our visits depleted to about once a year. Today we got to reconnect, and what an encouragement to see that we can do so with more excitement than ever about what God is doing in our lives and in the world. I know very, very few people who live and breath to seek God's heart with all their being. When I do get to meet with them I always leave feeling totally renewed, ready to dig deep into the heart of God again. He is one of those people.

God has blessed me richly with a solid foundation and people of faith all around me. I remember well when the devil tried really hard during college to cut me off from the great cloud of witnesses around me through complacency, inadequacy, and fear, but I am thankful that the LORD WOULDN'T LET ME GO. My mom told me that during my junior year she had the pastor and pastor's wife anoint and pray over her in proxy for me. Boy, am I glad they did, and boy am I glad that people have believed in me enough and cared enough to pray me through those struggles...

Walk on Water

The Delmarva Peninsula is taking every precaution against Hurricane Sandy. But admittedly, when my pastor had the congregation pray against the storm this morning in church, I wasn't exactly agreeing in faith because I want the storm to come! There is something about hearing that rain beat against the roof and watching through the window as leaves and debris swirl around that excites me. It's almost 10 pm, and there's not a bit of wind yet. Grrr. Bring on some action!

I made it home from Indianapolis just in time for the storm. Last week was spent at the Global Partners (GP) headquarters, learning all about being a missionary with GP. My head was crammed full of information and strategies and names and all the stuff I have to do! But what an incredibly encouraging time it was to hang out with some other people who are doing the same thing and learn together. I had to face some fears, and this next year is going to be a mountain of them. It's much like knowing there's a storm brewing, and I have to face it. But will I prepare myself? I wish I could face the metaphorical storm with as much drive and motivation as I face a hurricane headed toward Delaware.

Happy Monday

This afternoon I sit at Davelli's, one of the only cafes in my little hometown. I drove my mom in town today for a medical procedure and decided to find someplace to be other than the nearly-silent waiting area at the medical center. It's a nice atmosphere to chill with my Mac and free Wi-Fi. I feel much more energized here, with the calm buzz of a few voices and Christian music playing in the background. While I generally have no problem soaking in the quieter, slower pace, sometimes I get to the point where I need to be around some activity for motivation.

On Sunday I will fly to Indianapolis for a week-long missionary orientation at Global Partners, something I have been looking forward to for months. The time has brought me through this weird transition phase as I wait for the moment when I can begin my next task of support-raising for the ministry in Albania. I have been telling lots of people about my plans, sort of prepping people for what I will be doing but not being able to actually do it yet. Which is starting to bug me. I am ready to get on with this!

It's Official

It is time for changing leaves, pumpkins, and sweaters. At the Spicer household it's cool enough to turn off the AC and open the windows until we need the heater again. But having the windows open means fruit flies get through the screens, and we have them like the plague! I ate my lunch at work today and my dinner tonight at home swatting them away from my food. I am sure I've eaten several without knowing it, but as Mom would say, "They are extra protein!" Eating bugs it fairly normal in many other cultures, right? Pretty soon the cooler weather will chase them into hibernation or wherever they go during the winter.

Here is a bit of news: on Friday the Global Partners leadership board discussed the new missionary candidates, and the director signed me in on Monday morning.

I am now officially a missionary to Albania!

Post With a Boring Title :)

Home is the sweetest place on earth. As soon as I walked off my plane in Baltimore a week ago, I felt the sweetness in the chilly fall air and damp from a recent rain. I-97 was wide open in the early morning, and even though it was 9:00 by the time mom and I reached the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, I have never felt like we had so much room on the road! And oh, that Chesapeake Bay! The water was as choppy as a stormy sea and the sky dark from rain clouds. Rather than a dreary grey, the sky was a deep, dark blue that highlighted the rich colors of the recently-rained on land, land that soaked up the water like a sponge and bloomed like a flower after a long, dry summer. The sight of that bay catches my breath every single time I see it after a long hiatus from home, and as soon as I am over the bridge, I am home on Delmarva again!

Life has slowed down significantly in pace, something I am very thankful for. To have my own room and a quiet house when I am alone is a blessing. That's not to say I haven't had plenty of things to do. In fact, I started working part-time at a daycare just two days after arriving home, with multiple other offers for side jobs. After struggling for a month to find adequate work, it is a relief to know there are plenty of opportunities for me to make enough to pay my bills. The thing to watch now is guarding my time so that I don't try to do too much. (I am thankful that I have a very concerned mother who knows my weaknesses and pushes me to keep focused in this way!)

Colorful

One more night at Door of Hope and one more day living in California! With my flight out of LAX leaving tomorrow night at nine, I have reached the end of a short journey through urban ministry and am about to begin an entirely new type of journey that takes me back to my roots for a while. I am ready to go!

My weekend was spent mostly with church people this weekend. I became very involved this year in a little church in Pasadena called Agape Christian Church. It is small in numbers but big in love, hence the name "agape" (a Greek word for "love" which describes the way God loves us completely and unconditionally, in spite of our rebellion against Him). I found a number of dear kindred spirits here this year: brothers and sisters, young and aged, people from various walks of life. How beautiful is the Body of Christ, so diverse in its components! Yet we are all one Body working together to see God's kingdom come, His one bride, and we serve one Savior. People from all over the world are represented at this church... I love learning from so many different kinds of people!

Goodbyes

When people ask me where I am from now, it takes a little longer than it used to to answer. "I live in southern California, but I grew up in Delaware and lived in Indiana for four years during college." Where is home? For the last eleven months home has been Door of Hope, where I work. For a week now, I have been telling people, "I'm moving home." Every place where I find myself making a life becomes home for the time I am there, but home will always be the place where I grew up, the place where my family is, the community that shaped me for the first 18 years of my life and makes up the core of me.

I am incredibly excited about moving back home to be with my family again. I think they are pretty psyched too, given my mom's squeals and running next door to tell her parents when I first told her on the phone. All week I have been preparing for the move: deciding what to keep, getting rid of my bed and selling my car, packing up my belongings in boxes to FedEx home, and having goodbye dinners...

A Solid Rock

Tonight the lyrics to that old hymn, "The Solid Rock" come to mind...

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

A co-worker of mine asked me today if I felt the earthquake we had around two in the morning. I can't even remember if it woke me up or not, but obviously it wasn't enough to be a big deal. Yet the circumstances I find myself in make me feel a little like my spirit is in an earthquake.

The End... Or Not

Tonight I imagine God looking down from heaven and telling me, My darling, why do you worry about what doesn't last? Don't you know that I created the universe itself and have infinite resources to provide your needs? Seek me, and everything else will happen just like it's supposed to, in my time.

With the end of my job as a TechMission after school program assistant this past Tuesday, I have to admit that I've done way more worrying about how everything is going to come together than taking it to the One who holds it all together. Just last week He taught me a very valuable lesson about trusting in Him rather than leaning on my own understanding of things, and look how quickly I forgot! He is a God of infinite grace and love to keep on gently bringing me back to His heart. I must tell about last week though, to give some perspective. I have been wanting to blog all week!

Ice Cream

Tuesdays are when we usually have staff meetings at work. I hadn't been to one in a while, with the unpredictable summer schedule. The wonderful thing about working among an all-Christian staff is our shared emphasis on prayer. We share praises and prayer requests and pray together before every staff meeting. Sometimes this time is very short. Other times there may be a lot of requests or someone may have a very pressing need that the group focuses on. While work may often stretch staff to the limits or draw our attentions in a trillion different directions, I always feel more at peace and focused after our prayer time together. 

The Best is Yet to Be

My dear friend Loren sent me an adorable homemade card in the mail that I received yesterday. She's so great at sending people cards. It feels so good to receive a nice note, and knowing that, I always intend on sending people notes, but then I get sidetracked... I say that I'll do it tomorrow... then I'll do it then next day... and then it never gets done. Or maybe a year too late :) Better late than never I suppose.

Loren is going to be moving out here to Los Angeles in just a couple of weeks and getting married to our other amazing friend, Harrie Trotman! I have the honor of being in their wedding on August 19th.

Two other newer but just as amazing friends of mine just got engaged this past Sunday. And what a celebration it was! They are two of the most joyful people I've ever met who love the Lord with all their hearts, and just being in the same room with them makes you feel happy.

Made for This

Things that come to mind as I think about my nine days in Albania:

Incredible. Life-changing. Family. Belonging. Beauty. Poverty. Misunderstood God. Hot air, sweat, and dehydration. Laughter. Joy. Love. Names of people dear to me. My pearl of great price. A calling. Purpose. Vision. Prayer. Economic turmoil. Life. Death. The kingdom of heaven emerging. An incredibly ripe harvest where the laborers are few. Home.

Should Be Sleeping

I am leaving for Albania in about five hours and definitely should be sleeping. But I can't. I'm too excited! I always get like this before I leave for trips - super stressed because I've procrastinated on packing and then too many things on my mind to sleep. Well, this time just like every other I finished my packing at the eleventh hour, quite literally, as it is now after 11 pm. But I'm not stressed anymore. In fact, I'm in the best mood I've been in all week! It's from a feeling of accomplishment from finishing two big projects that were hanging over my head all week, just in time for my trip. And knowing that I'm going to get a change in my routine, which has been pretty draining the last several weeks. And let's be honest... a break from my kids. Oh my kids... I think we are driving each other crazy lately and we both need a break to appreciate each other better. Tonight, though, when I returned from the laundromat, I heard from the window a soft, "Miss Jessica, I'm going to miss you!" It was one of my ten-year-old boys who loves to act cool and collected when he's around the other kids, but he can be incredibly sweet. Yes, I'm going to miss him, too.

Well, my last resident just got in, so I guess I don't have anymore excuses to stay up. I'm getting sleepy now. This is a pretty pointless post, other than me trying to get myself in bed. It's working though...

........zzzzzzz......zzzzzzzzz........

Albania - Back to the Start

This blog began last summer just before I went to Albania for the first time, and now, exactly a year later, I am returning! It's not really a surprise, considering how badly I wanted to return just after I got back. I am joining a team of five others, and we will put on an English camp for teens, many of whom I met last summer! I can't wait to see them again. The Kenet (the neighborhood where I served last year) has held a place in my heart ever since last summer when I lived and learned there for two months, and I'm curious to see what God has in store next.

Please keep our team in your prayers as we prepare our activities and face opposition from the enemy. For our team, pray for:

• Team unity
• Energy during the last week-and-a-half of preparation
• Flexibility in a new environment
• Financial provision
• Openness to the gospel message among the teens

I personally need a lot of prayer throughout this trip and even in the coming months as I seek God's will concerning my heart for Albania and missions in general. Here are some specific prayer requests:

• A willing spirit to go wherever God calls me
• Good counsel and God's guidance about next steps
• Freedom from doubt & fear
• A heart that delights in the Lord

Our team leaves the States on June 29. I was ecstatic when I got my itinerary a couple weeks ago and discovered that our layovers are in Milan and Rome... I have wanted to visit Italy ever since I learned as a kid that musical terms are in Italian.... and now I will get to be in two different Italian airports! Okay, okay, so maybe it's not that exciting since I won't get to leave the airports, but at least I will be able to say I've been to Italy! Someday, I will visit for real. 

Upside Down

It is a new day, a new week, and praise God that His mercies are new every morning! Yesterday's mistakes are now lessons learned. It would be incredibly easy for me to dwell upon everything I do wrong and feel defeated, and very often I do feel so. Nearly every single day I find myself making a silly impulsive decision, letting careless words out of my mouth, getting impatient, being limited in my ability to offer assistance, or being clueless as to how I should handle a situation.

Nearly every day I'm humbled by my limitations and weaknesses. Paul often wrote about how he could rejoice in his pain, suffering, and weaknesses, because God is all the more glorified when His work is accomplished, despite our many failures. It’s these passages that give me a great deal of encouragement right now. My small group looked at 1 Corinthians 1-2 recently, where Paul writes of the wisdom of the world in comparison to the wisdom of God: 

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." (1:27)

Oh, Boy!

After nine months with Door of Hope Glendale’s kids program, I can’t believe I ever thought I knew anything about kids. They surprise me nearly every single day. The more time I spend with them, the more insight I gain into each particular child’s situation and the more I understand how they grow. Just like most things in life, child development isn’t static. Yes, there are certain trends that we can observe to help predict and shape their behavior, but in any given day just about anything can happen and just about anything can fly out of their mouths, good or bad.

I will tell you about one of those surprises I got yesterday from one of my boys. During free time he spent nearly ten minutes telling me about a video game he loved to play where you try to kill zombies. I got the lowdown on every possible weapon that he could use and the best way to catch them off guard and how he preferred the option to kill zombies as opposed to killing humans and why…

I must admit that my brain didn’t have the capacity to handle so much zombie-killing wisdom in one sitting, and I began to zone out as he continued, all the while pondering how violence is so normalized for today’s kids… He finally got bored, as the conversation was rather-one sided, or he simply was ready to go play again with the rest of the kids. We continued on with the day.

Surprise for Mom

Life is full of surprises. This weekend, thanks to some friends from home, my family gave my mom a nice surprise for Mother’s Day. I flew home for the weekend, never telling her that I was coming. When she saw me Friday night for the first time, she had to stare for several seconds before bursting into hysterical laughter… most likely because she had finally pieced together the reasons for Dad and Heather’s suspicious behavior earlier that day as they prepared to pick me up from BWI.

It was a perfectly lovely weekend, save the brevity of my visit. We couldn’t have had prettier weather, and everything appeared extra green. Mom’s backyard gardens were in full bloom and smelled of freshly-laid mulch. She’s known for her mini Eden and unique ways of showcasing flowers, such as in an old bedframe or the bowls of old toilets. It seems a little humorous, but if you know Mom you understand J On Saturday Dad, Mom, Heather, and I spent several hours biking some of the trails near the beach. Of course we had to stop in Rehoboth for some Thrasher’s fries and henna tattoos for us girls. Sunday morning we attended church, and I was hugely encouraged to reunite with old friends and church family. Then we had some of Dad’s family over for a classic homemade Sussex County meal made by Mom, who never fails to please anyone’s palate.

Those two very short days are now over, and I’m back in Glendale once again. It is amazing how modern travel allows a would-be three-day trip across the country by car to happen in just a few hours. I left Delaware at 3:30 a.m. this morning and arrived in Los Angeles at 10:30 a.m. The time zone change makes the travel time appear much shorter than it really was, but it’s still crazy to think that I left my family this morning and made it back in time for work! Most of the day felt like an out-of-body experience with the lack of sleep, but I made it.

This weekend brought me more reminders of how incredibly blessed I am. My family looks a lot different than it did five years ago, as does our church family. Change is never easy, but God’s given all of us a whole lot of grace to emerge from it stronger and more beautiful people. There is still a lot more to come, too, and I have a great deal of hope for that future. It only gets better.

Not-So-Sunny California

What ever happened to the warm southern California sun??!? It’s been rainy and cold for a week. Definitely not what I moved west for. (Guess I had better remind myself that I moved west to work, not to get a tan. Although I was hoping a tan would be a nice little bonus.) I have to say something about the beaches, too: every single time I have visited Santa Monica during the day, the sky was overcast. Last Friday when my college girlfriends were here, it was over 80 degrees in Glendale, so we decided it would make the perfect beach day. We departed for Santa Monica, donned in sunglasses and beach attire and lightly coated in sunscreen to protect against the rather bright sunlight. About 20 minutes away from the coast I noticed that the sun had essentially disappeared. I put my hand out the window to feel a breeze that was at least 15 degrees cooler than when we’d left. Of course we couldn’t waste the 45-minute drive we’d made, so we hung out in Santa Monica for a few hours. Had to buy hot coffee to survive, but we still made it fun. Here's some of the evidence:

Slowing Down and Being Quiet

I’ve been at a loss for inspiration lately. I started a post almost two weeks ago but couldn’t quite finish it. Those of you who know me well will agree that I am a perfectionist, so it usually takes me awhile to produce something my pride will let me share. The fact that I’m making excuses for why I haven’t blogged gives evidence that I’m a perfectionist because I have this idea that if I were good at keeping up with people I would blog more often, as if there’s some rule that says how often I must send out updates! I think I’ve made comments about it in other posts, too. Okay, no more apologizing. I’m just gonna do what I can do.

My mental capacity hasn’t been at such a level where I could conjure up anything very coherent, either. In other words, I’ve been exhausted and in need of space to simply rest during those times when I might otherwise be able to blog. Blogging can be, however, sort of a spiritual exercise for me. I like to get my thoughts and even my struggles “out there,” and since I’m an internal processor I suppose blogging allows me to solidify my thoughts and organize them. I always feel good after writing a good post. My problem is that lately I haven’t had the mental or emotional space to do so, because writing or blogging requires something that I have a really difficult time doing…

Slowing down and being quiet.

A Call to Obedience

It's another Monday morning after a weekend on-duty. I walked over to my local Starbucks to get a few minutes away from the hustle and bustle of the shelter. Saturday was busy with preparations for the Sunday service at my church, an Easter party for the children at work, and a difficult night for one of the moms who broke one of our rules and faces the possibility of dismissal. I randomly ran into the mom and her 5-year-old daughter on my walk to Starbucks, which was a big relief since she left Saturday night in a frenzy without her cell phone or a place to go.

Easter is over now, but as I seem to have a lot of difficulty staying on schedule, I'm doing my reflecting after the fact. The week following Palm Sunday is typically supposed to be a reminder of the suffering of Christ before his death, and in order to better understand that idea my young adult group challenged one another to spend every morning in intentional prayer and Bible study time before doing anything else that we typically might do before taking time with Christ so that He truly is priority before all other activities in the day. In doing this, I definitely felt God's presence at work, but it wasn't necessarily a "happy" week at all. I was confronted twice by different people about attitudes or behaviors that I needed to change. One of my kids was extremely argumentative and acted out every day. Our newest family had a scare, fearing their abuser had found them. I began to feel more emotionally drained from the lack of alone time I can find. (With three girls now living in my apartment, we have a blast and make lots of great memories, but it reminds me that I'm still an introvert!)

I'm Rich

Kids say... and write... the darn-dest things sometimes, and when I read their weekly journal entries from after school program I often come across some noteworthy ones. Here's one I'd like to share from a seven-year-old boy:

Q: What are some rules you have at your house?

A: 1) Do not hit.
     2) Do not kick.
     3) Do not do laundry.

That last one's got to be every kids' dream for a rule :)

Last night I visited with one of my girlfriends from college, Nicole, who is headed overseas next weekend for a two-year-long term with the Peace Corps. She lives almost an hour away from me, but we try to get together every once in a while. Today was the last time I'll see her for a long while. She will have changed the world by the time she gets back, I'm sure.

Stories From the Laundromat

I'm feeling inspired tonight, with lots of stories from the day. I feel that I can't put my head down until I get some of them out!

I just returned home from the laundromat at about 11:15. My roommate and I discovered a flea infestation in our apartment, most likely from the rat that stole into our place two weeks ago, so our bedding needed a good washing after setting off a couple of foggers earlier today. I've been to the laundromat just a few times, and I seem to learn something new every time, mostly by observing the other customers. Usually I take my iPod or a book to read to pass the time, and I generally keep to myself, feeling tired in the evening after work. Tonight was one of those nights where I was pretty tired and in a rush to get back to work, so I sat down to close my eyes and rest while I waited. I noticed the manager kept checking out my machines, and then he went into a closet on the far side of the room. He came back with a bucket and some water and proceeded to pour it into the detergent cartridge in my washing machines. Thinking to myself, What in the world is this guy doing to my laundry?, I got up to ask him if I had done something wrong.

Community & Connectivity

Community and connectivity. These are the two words burning upon my heart today.

When I was in college, away from family, friends, and all that was familiar, I learned the importance of Christian accountability and fellowship for my spiritual growth. Sometimes it seemed way easier to remain distant and independent than to spend all the emotional energy it took for me to get into intentional community. But God eventually taught me that I CANNOT survive as an “independent Christian” - I was cut off from all the amazing gifts and encouragement from other believers that would lift me up in my own walk. The devil did all he could to prevent me from connecting, such that it even took until the middle of my third year in school to finally settle on a local church community. But once I finally pushed through, I sort of re-discovered myself in the context of a larger group. From the moment we are conceived not a single person is able to live independently, which is becoming more the case in our increasingly interconnected world. We rely upon our mothers to nurse us, our families to feed us and provide education, our governments to provide structure for our lives, our employers to provide us with income. We gain something from each of them, and they gain from us as well.

Starbucks: Not Open Late

9:40 PM. The local time as I begin this next blog post. About 30 minutes ago, I left my apartment at the shelter to go to Starbucks where I could use the gift card my sister bought me as a Christmas present. I dropped my roommate off at Subway down the street, stopped for $15 worth of gas to last me ‘til my next paycheck on Friday, and followed my GPS to the nearest Starbucks that I thought might be open late. (I found out a couple weeks ago that the closest one to me closes at 9 PM… far too early for a coffee shop to close in my opinion!)  Well, it led me to a grocery store which isn’t ideal when I need a table, chair, and Wi-Fi to do my blogging. So I put in the next nearest one, and as I approached I saw the chairs atop the tables like freshly cleaned teacups placed upside down and waiting for the next seating. I turned around and started to head back to my normal hang-out: Barnes & Noble which is always open until 11 PM but whose Starbucks café won’t accept Starbucks gift cards… very lame. But of course, why in the world should Barnes & Noble permit Starbucks to profit from their patrons??

So here I am, back at Barnes & Noble as usual because no Starbucks in Glendale is open past 9:30 PM on a weeknight. I wonder if I’m becoming a fixture here, like the four old Armenian men who sit at the exact same spot every weeknight, or the security guard who always gives me a weird look whenever I walk in the store with my backpack or my tote bag carrying my laptop. I’m thankful that at least I can count on Barnes & Noble to be open late.

An Ecclesiastes Week

Just got in from chasing down some residents who were still socializing in the hallway after curfew. It's a bit of a confusing role to be a girl in my twenties telling 30- and 40-year olds to "straighten up." It's certainly not my favorite thing about the job. But I have surprised myself. I have the capacity to do a lot of things I'm not initially comfortable with. Along the same line of thought, I was super proud of myself today when I checked a resident's gas heater that she couldn't get to work and figured out how to get the pilot light lit again. I did NOT want to have to call the gas company if it was something I could fix myself. So I read and re-read the instructions, praying I wouldn't blow up the apartment. It worked!

I got my own toolbox for Christmas, too. I'm becoming my own handyman. 

It's been a bit difficult the last two weeks, going home for Christmas and then returning to a busy workplace, all while reflecting on the multitude of changes that happened in the past year. I graduated from college, spent two months in a European squatter settlement, then moved across the country to start a new chapter of my life, with a new job, new people, new pace of life, new friends, new climate, new responsibilities. My family is also entering a new season. All these changes continue into 2012, so I enter into another year of great change.