Upside Down

It is a new day, a new week, and praise God that His mercies are new every morning! Yesterday's mistakes are now lessons learned. It would be incredibly easy for me to dwell upon everything I do wrong and feel defeated, and very often I do feel so. Nearly every single day I find myself making a silly impulsive decision, letting careless words out of my mouth, getting impatient, being limited in my ability to offer assistance, or being clueless as to how I should handle a situation.

Nearly every day I'm humbled by my limitations and weaknesses. Paul often wrote about how he could rejoice in his pain, suffering, and weaknesses, because God is all the more glorified when His work is accomplished, despite our many failures. It’s these passages that give me a great deal of encouragement right now. My small group looked at 1 Corinthians 1-2 recently, where Paul writes of the wisdom of the world in comparison to the wisdom of God: 

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." (1:27)

In the kingdom of God everything is upside down. What the world thinks is reasonable and intelligent is ridiculous to God; He delights in using the things that the world puts no value in to display His power. I think that this past year working in a shelter is opening my eyes to this truth in a whole new way. My degree in International & Community Development set me on a course to challenge the injustices I observe in the world and fight against poverty. I tend to think I know what they need and how the problems could be fixed, but when it comes to real-life people and situations, I'm pretty limited. As my shortcomings become apparent, I realize how very foolish I am to think I can change anyone. I'm currently working among women and children who have experienced physical and emotional abuse and carry baggage that I can't possibly understand. Most were born at the bottom end of a system that prevents them from getting many of the basic things I took for granted growing up, like a quality education, healthy eating and exercise habits, planning skills, loving and supportive family, emotional wellness, an understanding of a God who loves me intimately. We analyze and strategically plan how to fix the problems. We ponder how to remedy dysfunctional habits or behaviors. It seems the more we probe for solutions, the more problems we find, and the process never ends!

It's the same with me. The deeper I see into God's heart, the more aware I am of my own personal shortcomings. My foolishness. The more situations I encounter at work or in life, the more opportunities there are for me to mess up. And I do. It hurts my ego for sure, but it drives me back to the Savior every time. To seek His wisdom.

Last week at the park with our kids, a random four-year-old boy decided he wanted to join the soccer game our kids were playing. He was at least half the size of them all, but he fearlessly jumped right into the game and tried to steal the ball from the 7 and 8-year-olds, whom I could tell wanted to knock him over and send him crying back to his mom so he wouldn't be an annoyance anymore. I didn't want any accidents to happen, so I gently told him that the other kids were a little too big for him to play a real soccer game with and that he should find something else to do. I think of that little boy now and wish I had his courage and drive. I'm sure he could tell how small he was in comparison to the others, but he didn't care. I'm sure the possibility of getting hurt didn't even cross his mind. Not so with me. I find I'm terribly afraid of making a mistake and looking like an idiot. I'm cautious and slow to step out. Yet even being that way, I still mess up!

I wouldn’t have it any other way, though, because it gives me less confidence in myself and more in the Spirit of God who works powerfully through the weak things of this world. Our kids and their moms are people the world would consider weak, but every single time I walk through the front gate and hear a child shout out, “Hi, Miss Jessica!” from their window, I feel a warmth surge through me. I could be feeling completely down in the dumps, but then I’ll run into one of my kids and forget every reason I felt low. They push my buttons a lot of times, but they are what get me back on track with my purpose.