The End... Or Not

Tonight I imagine God looking down from heaven and telling me, My darling, why do you worry about what doesn't last? Don't you know that I created the universe itself and have infinite resources to provide your needs? Seek me, and everything else will happen just like it's supposed to, in my time.

With the end of my job as a TechMission after school program assistant this past Tuesday, I have to admit that I've done way more worrying about how everything is going to come together than taking it to the One who holds it all together. Just last week He taught me a very valuable lesson about trusting in Him rather than leaning on my own understanding of things, and look how quickly I forgot! He is a God of infinite grace and love to keep on gently bringing me back to His heart. I must tell about last week though, to give some perspective. I have been wanting to blog all week!

So... about three weeks ago I was contacted through a website I have been using to advertise myself for childcare or cleaning jobs in the area. A wealthy couple who owns a business related to the entertainment industry was looking for a housekeeper to help keep up with their cleaning and laundry. I did cleaning with my mom for years in vacation rental homes down by the beaches, and we were always given extra homes to clean because of how quickly and thoroughly we cleaned. I love the way house cleaning makes me feel like I have really put in a hard day's work, and I can immediately see the results of my work. So just add a bit of laundry and tidying up the closets, and that's the gist of the new job. I went to the couple's home for an informal interview, and they assured me that after seeing my picture and qualifications they loved me and didn't want to interview anyone else...

She said, "This is your dream job. I want you to go home, figure out how much you need to make, tell me how many hours you want to work, and we'll work something out."

That opened up a whole new set of possibilities, including moving out of the shelter where I work now and being able to pay rent! It was too good to be true!

Seriously though, it was too good to be true :)

The wife called me later after my first day of work, very disappointed with my performance. I was utterly confused because I had done what I could, considering it was my first day and considering how their expectations were communicated to me. After that phone conversation, I had a feeling this might not last.

I went in the second morning and did the very best I could, correcting the things she had brought up from the previous day. No phone call that evening. I went in the third morning, and as soon as I walked in I knew something was up: "I don't think this is going to work," she told me. Then we spent about 20 minutes going back and forth about how I wasn't doing what they expected of me and how I felt they weren't giving me a chance, etc, etc, etc. I fought for myself and told her it would be their loss for letting me go. She said I wasn't meant to be a housekeeper. I brought every argument out of my arsenal that I could think of, and even offered to work for the rest of the week, but she was determined that I wasn't gonna "cut it." She handed me a check for more than I would have made in a month. I told her I didn't care about that money now, that what I really wanted was a job. She put it in my hand and started leading me like a dog out the door.

It really is quite hilarious for me to think back on the whole thing. Maybe she's right... maybe I'm not a housekeeper. Which is partially true, because I'm meant to work with people. I'm a relational person, and that's where I can make the most impact. That couple is from a world that I will never, ever understand, but God used them to teach me a valuable lesson and to provide for my financial needs for a month. I bet I will never again make that much money for working just eight hours. And now I can say that I have been fired from a job! Probably not something I should brag about, but through the lens of God's provision, it's a great story :)

I can't ever put God in a box because He has an agenda of His own. It's fun when He brings out His sense of humor like He did last week. It's those times that I have to remember right now, when I can't see beyond next week. He's leading me into a new kind of faith walk. I'm so much like the apostle Peter, who challenged Jesus to lead him out into the middle of the storm and walk on water but began to sink and despair when he took his eyes off Jesus and saw the wind and waves around him. I get so excited about following Jesus into the unknown places, but then when I'm in them I start to freak out. I don't know why I do that. If I know He has called me out of the boat, what am I worried about? I know He is watching me, so I know He won't let me drown. I don't know what I'm worried about. I just worry for no reason, I guess, out of habit.

As I mentioned, Tuesday was my final day with my kids. It wasn't a day out of the ordinary... one of the boys refused to do his homework during after school program, got really mad at us, and talked about wanting to die (which must be taken very seriously in his case). I had to talk with his mom. I really hope he gets some help.

During evening child care, the kids arranged a bunch of songs to which they put new lyrics about me and gave me my own personal concert. It was adorable, and they made me feel super special. They love so unconditionally.

Next week I go to Indiana for a short visit and an interview at the Global Partners headquarters! Global Partners is the agency I hope to get back to Albania with. I'm hoping and praying for some guidance about the immediate future, and for some faith to keep me going until I can know more. I can't wait to see some of my college friends and profs, be on campus again, see cornfields and trees, smell fresh air, drive without getting beeped at or cut off, have peace and quiet!